1- go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's sized 14 to 16 work boots.
2- Place them on your front porch along with a copy of Guns&Ammo Magazine.
3- Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4- Leave the following note with the above: "Bubba, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part but it was hard to tell from all the blood. anyway, I locked all four of them in the house. Better to wait outside. Cooter"
From the Valenti Times. The quarterly newsletter of Valenti Management, the company I work for.
